Act Like a Lady...Think like a Man?

Hey Blog world...it really has been awhile, huh? Well, to any curious, inquiring mind out there; all's good for me right now. I am, of course, still exploring my place/role in this huge 'ole world. My trip to Vegas was very nice. Although I was supposed to meet up with my friend from California I ended up going alone. But of course I made the best of it. While there I went to see the male exotic dancer venue 'Thunder from Down Under' and even got to take a picture with the guys while sitting on one dancer's lap.haha I definitely showed that one off at work ; ) I also went on a sightseeing tour to the Red Rock Canyon at the outskirts of the strip. It is so beautiful and scenic out there...but oddly enough it also reminded me of those old Merrie Melodies cartoons featuring Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner.Haha, only me. I only spent a weekend over there but did a lot considering! Anyways, to segue into my Blog topic of the day...I have been reading a book by the comedian Steve Harvey called 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man,' which had also been turned into a major Motion Picture. Of course I ended up seeing that movie and what really caught my attention about it and the book itself was the whole notion of finally figuring out why men act the way they do. As an individual who has never been in a relationship but feels deserving of one, I feel that this book has potentially crucial and important information that can lead me to understanding why I've never been in a relationship and what I may be doing wrong. So i'm reading the first chapter of the book and the very first thing that Steve delineates about men is that they are very simple, obvious creatures. In a way this information really shocked me, because all my life i've viewed them as even more complicated than us women! What also caught my eye was when he says that a man who has plans for a woman in his future (as a girlfriend, wife, etc.) is not afraid to give that woman a 'title' to his friends, family, and other important individuals in his life, whether it be 'my lady,' 'my girlfriend,' whatever. This fact was actually the most upsetting and hurtful to me because in the past i've dealt with men who merely referred to me as a 'friend' or 'Danielle' and refused to see me beyond those terms. I was never anybody's 'lady,' 'girl,' or 'girlfriend.' When I was a freshman in college, as a matter of fact, there was a guy I always hung out with and did boyfriend/girlfriend type things with...eventhough we were so close, he just REFUSED to consider me his girlfriend. To me I was, how he put it, 'a friend that I like to kiss.' And its not like i'm one of those whores who go around blowing any guy with a dick... I am and have always been a classy individual who carries myself well. So all these men who don't want to give me the respectful title I deserve really offend me. But anyways, I digress. I also found it interesting when he says that men have a different way of showing their love to us, meaning instead of cuddling 24/7 a man would rather show his love by not only giving a woman a title, but also doing things like making sure she is always safe, defending her honor, fixing anything she needs fixed, paying for dinner voluntarily, etc. Now this is new information to me, as I had always thought that men were very physical and as passionate-minded as us women. Shows how much I know, huh?haha In the book, Mr. Harvey goes on to give us gals advice on what to say, what not to say, and how to carry ourselves so that hopefully one day we can earn that ring and that good man. Some advice I already knew about, others are new to me. It is a good book, nevertheless. But although I am understanding men better, I can't help but still think that they're full of shit. As much as they say only 'special' women earn their respect, i've seen many girls with absolutely ZERO self-respect be in long-lasting meaningful relationships...with men that they don't hesitate to step on. I don't know what it is about those women. Hopefully Steve will have a chapter in the book dedicated to those women and why men seem to love them so much. As much as i've realized what men may or may not like, I am never changing who I am for anybody. I mean, it is not like any of them would ever change who they are to satisfy me! That, and i've been trying for the past 24 years of my life to figure out what kind of person I am and how I can change myself so that I can have more friends/ a boyfriend...I joined a Social Sorority for chrissakes! But almost all of my approaches to self-reconstruction have gone to no avail... so that has been my wake up call to the fact that I am who I am no matter what, and yes, I can make some alterations to my shy personality and my general outlook on life, but at the end of the day i'll never be that Social butterfly that people want me to be...that's just not who I am or was meant to be. This is my true demeanor; simple, witty, a little sarcastic, silly, curious...and I don't need a man to tell me that I SHOULDN'T be these things!

A Rant on...my life lately

Hello all...or whoever's reading this. Just updating to announce that yes, I am still alive, fighting, and dealing with my depression to the best of my ability. How am I doing this, one may ask? Well, I basically try to keep myself busy so that I don't have time to think about anything. As a matter of fact, tommorrow evening I am attending a Deftones concert. I am very happy about this concert, as this band was basically my best friend in my High School years. I didn't hang out with a lot of people and was almost always at home...so my only companion was my music, and I listened to a lot of Deftones at the time...so there you go...but that's another story for another time. I have also been keeping myself busy by traveling more. Last year I got to visit one of my favorite places in the world, California, and basically fell in love with the city of San Francisco. And just last month my mother and I took a brief, but very fun trip to Miami...and I have to say, Miami Beach is the greatest beach ever!..I know, I know, I haven't been to many beaches, but so far Miami Beach is at the very top of my list. At the end of next month, I have a trip to Las Vegas planned! I am extremely excited about this trip, as I have always wanted to visit Vegas. Not only that, but my friend from California is meeting up with me over there, so it should REALLY be a good time! And once i'm back from Vegas, I hope to visit Jamaica next...but i'll see about that when the time comes. To keep myself busy and (semi) happy, I have also been going to see Broadway and off Broadway shows.There is one show in particular that I am absolutely in love with...it is called 'Fuerza Bruta.' I first saw this show 2 years ago and went to see it again back in March...or was it April? One of those months. And now i'm going to go see it a third time next weekend. Incidentally, I purchased a single Hotel room all to myself that same night, so not only will I get to enjoy one of my favorite shows ever, I will also get to spend the night in my favorite city in the world (for now)...so yea, next weekend is looking to be beautiful. Other Broadway shows i've seen so far are 'Evita,' 'Jersey Boys,' 'Rent'(which was amazing!!), and 'A Streetcar Named Desire.' For my next show, i'm looking more into the off-Broadway roster, as some of the other high-end Broadway shows don't appeal to me as much. One show i'm looking to see is called 'Naked Boys Singing,' which is about...er...the title speaks for itself!haha I used to have a friend by the name of Jennifer who would accompany me to these shows, but she was unexpectedly rude to me the night we went to see 'Rent'...so yea, I don't talk to her anymore...eventhough she texted me not too long ago asking if i'd go see 'Zarkana' with her...not going to happen, honey. And that's another thing; lately, i've been letting very few people into my life (due to all my past heartaches and disappointments with the human race)...so if you see i'm letting you into my life and you just step on me and think you can speak whichever way with me...that's it. And that's what happened with Jennifer...but that is also another Rant for another time. Anyways, to pass time I have also been doing something that I hadn't done in awhile; reading. It all started when I picked up a book called 'A Shore Thing,' written (or at least narrated) by Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi of 'the Jersey Shore' fame. Believe it or not, it is a cute, witty, and hilarious novel. I enjoyed reading it very much. A couple of months later, I picked up 'The Lucky One' by Nicholas Sparks, same author of 'The Notebook.' I loved that book so much that I basically went on a Nicholas Sparks rampage, reading 'A Walk to Remember,' 'Dear John,' 'The Choice,' and 'The Rescue,' as well. Surely I grew tired of Mr. Sparks' novels and decided to pick up the '50 Shades' trilogy by E.L. James, to see what all the fuss is about...to those of you living under a rock, '50 Shades' is an erotic novel that's been on every housewife's lips lately (those freaks). Right now I am on the second novel of the trilogy, '50 Shades Darker.' The first novel, '50 Shades of Grey' was alright for the most part, but in my opinion, the best part was the ending...but not to worry housewives out there, I will not ruin the novel for you. In my opinion, yes it is a good read...but I wouldn't call it one of those 'addictive' books that you can't put down...unless you are a nympho...in which case, you will THOROUGHLY enjoy this novel. But in my eyes, it is not only an erotic novel, but a love story as well, and the love that the two main characters share is very breath-taking in my opinion...to me, THAT is what makes the '50 Shades' novels good...anyways, i'm going on a too-long tangent on '50 Shades.'haha So that I don't go all 'Hoarders' and end up with a plethora of books in my room, I have purchased a Nook e-reader so that I could download and read all the books that I want. I have already downloaded 1 novel to my Nook...'Gorilla Beach,' which is a sequel to 'A Shore Thing.'Haha...hey, I couldn't help it! But I must finish '50 Shades Darker,' '50 Shades Freed,' and 'The Godfather' (yes, I purchased that novel)before I can start 'Gorilla Beach'...yes, I am that anal. And I guess that covers all that i've been up to. For those wondering, no, I don't plan to retake my NBCOT Boards anytime soon. Truth of the matter is, i've already taken the shit TWICE and failed, and am pretty damn comfortable as an OTA...so why rush? When i'm ready to take the test again, I will...but right now i'm just trying to enjoy my life and make the best of what I do have...even if I am alone in this world.

Dani's Rants: A Rant on...that same damn guy

...So it looks like the unnamed man in my previous Rant is getting an additional rant...meaning our 'relationship' surpassed that one time I texted him. Actually, after my initial conversation with him, I didn't hear from him for awhile...for about a week I would say. So I just assumed that maybe he was not that interested in me or the conversation we had, so I carried on with my monotone life and looking forward to little activities i've been giving myself not to go insane (like reading books, going to Broadway shows, vacationing, etc.) And then out of nowhere I get a text from him one evening simply saying "hey." I text back my "guy," I will call him 'Nell from here on in, and we have another simple, laid back conversation. After a couple more laid back conversations, I get a text from him one evening after work stating that he's bored and would like to hang out. I am actually quite happy when I read this, cause hey i'm getting offered to go on a semi-date with a cute guy, yes!Haha Of course I also had the thought in the back of my mind that he was looking to have sex with me that evening, but apart of me also tells me to shake that feeling off and just go hang out with him. I end up cancelling that night because he asks me to show up at his house at too late a time for me (now that should have been a warning), but I end up going to his house a couple days after. As apprehensive and nervous I was about it, I ended up having a decent time. As previously mentioned, 'Nell is an up and coming battle rapper, something he's been doing since High School, so when I first went to his house the very first thing I was compelled to ask him about was his music. He let me listen to a couple of his songs and watch a couple of his battles on You Tube. It was actually a nice, laid back time, and we didn't get physical at all...the most he did was hug me when I first arrived and when I left. Before I leave he even says "we should do this again sometime," which gives me hope that I will definitely see and hang out with him again. The couple weeks that follow are just a mix of sweet text messages and pet peeves (like him taking FOREVER to reply to some of my texts and the fact that he never seems to find a time to squeeze in another hang out session with me). After awhile though, I start to notice a pattern with him; he would text me everyday of the week, but then on fridays and saturdays, when he knows i'm free to hang out, I wouldn't hear from him at all...but then Sunday evening he texts me almost always asking whether I can come hang out with him at his place at 10 o'clock...when I have work the next frickin day! I started to analyze this pattern and all pointed to him basically just trying to fuck me and using Sunday nights as his time to accomplish that goal. The thought of all of this infuriated me, and expectedly when he texted me last Sunday evening I didn't reply. He texted me again the following evening and I coldly replied. He then texts me again (he just wouldn't quit!) on the fourth of July (yesterday) and at this point my mind is telling me to give him another chance...so I cave in. He gives me a time to come over and hang out and I agree to it. Before I leave I have half a bottle of wine (to calm my nerves) and generously spray myself with a fragrance I picked up at Victoria's Secret. When I get to his house I call him to tell him i'm outside...it takes him nearly 5 minutes to come to the door (damn, does this guy do ANYTHING on time???). He finally comes to the door (with the cutest little cocker spaniel named Prince by his side) and lets me in with a smile...but no hug this time. We get into his room again and talk about what each of us have been up to lately. After awhile I decide to get comfortable and kick off my flip flops and scoot to the middle of his bed. At the same time my mind is telling me to continue to play hard to get but not be too boring. So long story short, he ends up sitting next to me on the bed ( something he didn't do last time) as we're watching a movie with Denzel Washington (forgot the name of it). After awhile he lays down sort of half way on the bed and something just tells me to initiate a cuddle. So after awhile I look over at him and say "you look like a lost little boy right now...do you want to cuddle?" As soon as I ask him this he gets this mischievous smile on his face and says "what...you want to cuddle with me?...come, come cuddle with me." As he's saying this for some reason I automatically throw myself (shit) next to him. As this is all quickly happening my mind literally feels like Angel vs. Devil. Half of it is telling me "yes! you're keeping it interesting...and showing interest in him at the same time!" while the other half is saying "no! no! no! you're making it too obvious that you want to have sex with him!" Truth of the matter is, I never intended to have sex with this guy...not right away, at least. With him basically, I was trying to work on making him a respectable friend with benefits...in other words a person I can have casual sex with without worrying about him running around calling me a Hoe or fucking me only once and disappearing (been there, done than). And part of that plan was to kind of hang out and drag out any physical contact or sex and eventually gain his respect while maintaining any physical attraction that we have towards each other. Anyway, all of this was playing in my head as I was laying across him, my arm draped over his abdomen and around his waist. My head was right on top of his chest and I could hear his heart beating quite rapidly...he wanted some. Period. As i'm realizing this he puts a hand on my ass. I promptly move it to my waist and tell him "no, you are not allowed." He chuckles at this. Afterwards we just lie there...together...very quiet...and very tense. Again I could hear and feel his heart beating rapidly against his chest; surely he is more excited than he's making it seem, and at the same time my own body begins to tense up and my heart rate increases. It has been years since I have felt the embrace of a man and it felt...so good. In that silent moment of him just holding me and occasionally stroking my hair, as we both breathe short, intense breaths, my body felt a way it hasn't felt in a very long time...and I literally had to gather every bit of strength inside of me to not fuck him right then and there. After awhile a friend of his he was planning to meet later on calls and he talks to him while occasionally stroking my hair and sounding...so sexy. He finally hangs up and almost right away (as if on cue) tries to put his hand on my breasts...I once again re-direct his hand to which he retorts "c'mon, why you gotta be like that?" I once again reiterate "i'm not ready to let you touch me like that." He attempts a couple more times...and I re-direct a couple more times. After awhile he stops for good...and the hair stroking stops as well. I then get up and say "I guess I should be leaving so you can meet up with your friends."...he looks at me and shakes his head in agreement. This whole time he maintains a calm, good-natured disposition, but on the inside I just know that he's reeling. Before walking me out of his room he unlocks the door (that motherfucker REALLY thought he was getting some!). After wards he leads me to the front door, says "have a safe trip home!" and sends me on my merry way...no hug, and no "we should do this again sometime." A big chunk of my mind is telling me from all that alone that this is it; I am never hearing from this guy again. I do not regret what I did, but am very disappointed that even finding a friend with benefits is proving to be a difficult task for myself. Oh well, I say to that. Life goes on. Good night. *gets up to do random tasks and then go to bed*

Dani's Rants: A Rant on...some guy

Ah, here we go again...Fortunately, it has been awhile since I did any kind of rant on a member of the opposite sex. As previously mentioned, my libido is practically gone mostly because I know damn well that if after 24 years nothing has happened, then nothing WILL happen!...But of course, every once in awhile the feelings come back a little...especially if I happen to get a little bit of attention...from an attractive guy. So here's what happened; a couple of days ago I went out to see the movie 'Think Like a Man' with some co-workers...which was really nice for a change. After the movie I was planning on going to Applebee's to hang out a little bit and have a couple (ha!) glasses of wine...my co-workers agreed to go with me, so we all went (it was only about three of us). So we are there just hanging out and our waiter comes up and introduces himself to us...and turns out he is an ex-classmate of mine from High School. Now, when I was in High School me and this guy literally NEVER spoke! For one, we hung out with completely different crowds; he hung out with the loud crowd, and I...well I really didn't have a crowd. And second of all, I wasn't as comfortable with myself as I am now and therefore was extremely shy and on-guard all the time. So again, we saw each other around a lot and I had heard a lot about him but we NEVER spoke. So I see him at Applebees and recognize him right away. He, in the meanwhile, gives me a look like he has seen me before but is too uncomfortable to admit that he perhaps remembers me from High School. But i'm not going to lie, upon first seeing him my eyes lit up a bit...I just looked right at him with that 'hey, how you doin'?' look and he kinda looked down awkwardly in return...he is an attractive guy, i'm not going to lie. He's not very tall, but has a nice slender body and smooth, brown skin. His eyes are kind of slanted (which I find exceptionally sexy on black guys for some reason)and he has a slender, strong neck. For some reason i've begun to find a guy's neck exceptionally sexy...and his neck in particular is insane. I especially love when he talks and you can see his veins smoothly bulging out (he manages to pull THAT off!). So anyways yes, I was checking him out a little bit and I do think he noticed...and liked it. But he was still too bashful and ashamed to admit that he knew me...until I ordered my glass of wine, that is. At that point he asks to see my id and I right away answer "Come on, man YOU should know my age!" It is then that he says "hey, you look familiar...did you and I attend the same High School?"...DING DING DING!!!!! After that, all flowed pretty well. We joked with each other a lot and my co-workers and I ended up tipping him pretty well. One of my co-workers even went as far as saying that I should give him a try and that he seems to like me (she claims that she could tell by the way he nearly ran her over while rushing to bring my food over to me). Well...as i'm handing him his tip, he hands ME a blank receipt with his number on it...I COULD NOT believe it!...and actually, I found it kind of cute how he did it right in front of my co-workers...he was always one of those daring types of guys. Anyways, the following evening I texted him and we actually had a nice conversation. I appreciated the fact that he didn't text me back 1-2 word statements...he actually seemed interested enough in the conversation to text me his complete thoughts. I liked that. I know that at the end of the day, he's a guy with a 'bad boy' history, and as far as I have seen he is not doing much with his life...but apart of me yearns for his attention. Since Monday he hasn't texted me, and I don't want to text him again because I don't want to be the one constantly initiating our conversations...in my opinion, if he's generally interested in me, he has my number now, so he could text me himself! That's how guys operate. If they really and genuinely care about a person or a relationship, then they'll do whatever it takes to have it! I learned that lesson the hard way...Anyways, so he hasn't texted me since and i'm not even about to text him...so basically, if I never hear from him again...then well, that is how it stays. But at the same time a part of me wishes I could hear from him more often...just to know that there's someone out there (a bad boy at that) that wants me. When we texted on Monday he was telling me about his in-between career as a battle rapper and told me about some videos he had posted on You Tube (which he also bragged have received over 1,000 views)...and i'm not going to lie, I have been watching some of his videos. Do I think he tries too hard to portray himself as 'hood'? Yes. Do I feel he should stop hanging out with and acting like ghetto trash? Absolutely. But does that 'image' still turn me on in a way? Guilty. I am especially struck at his intensity whenever he tries to throw an insult at his 'opponent'. I was watching one of his videos, and there's actually a part in it where he gets so heated that he very swiftly takes his cap off ( and again the veins bulge out of his neck, haha)...and i'm not going to lie, at that point I could have sworn that I came on myself...yea. I feel like sometimes I watch his videos to maintain some sort of connection to him somewhow...but NOTHING compares to the real thing...and that is the unfortunate part. Either way, it just amazes me how one cute bad boy handing me his number rearranges my entire week! I hope to put this all behind me...cause realistically, I guy like him and a lady like myself CANNOT date each other. Not only that, but if I never hear from him again, what other choice do I have but to carry on with my boring life?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Currently: Eventhough I was supposed to be on vacation this week, I spent the bulk of it making phone calls and arguing with people...let me explain. See, for the past five and a half months i've been working way out in Brooklyn and making a very long commute every day for five days a week. At first I didn't mind it, enjoyed it actually. I enjoyed the mini road trip and that "ahhh..." feeling I would get everytime I would lay down in bed and remove my Bra after a long, busy day. The only thing that was kind of an issue was all the money I spent everyday...but eventually I was able to get around it. But a couple of months ago I hooked up with another Agency and they found me a part-time weekend position at a facility much closer to me. I enjoyed the facility so much that I told one of the coordinators at my second Agency to let me know when any ongoing positions at that facility would open up...just to make it easier for me and so that I would save a lot more money. So on Friday she calls me and informs me that an ongoing position will be available starting April 30th...of course I wanted the position, but I also wanted to be courteous to my current place of work and give them at least a couple of weeks in advance to find a replacement for me. But then the coordinator at my second agency kept insisting that all I need to give my first agency is a one week notice and that it shouldn't be a problem since i'm an Agency worker and not a staff employee...well, expectedly my first agency felt otherwise. When I notified my first coordinator of this he was quite upset (I could tell he was eventhough he's a nice guy and tried to cover it up to the best of his ability)and told me that my second coordinator was wrong and that I HAVE to give the Brooklyn facility at least 2 weeks notice before moving on to another place, especially since I had been working there for months and all...and I half agreed with him, half didn't on that opinion. But anyways, he then recommends that I speak to the Director at the second facility and let her know of the situation so that I would have her blessing to let me give my first Agency 2 weeks and then move on to her facility. Well...I call her up on Monday and tell her whatever's going on and she informs me that the position is for about 6 weeks and it is not guaranteed that they will still need me afterwards...so I figure if the position is not guaranteed long-term, then what is the point of leaving a facility that will keep me for as long as I want for another position that is not guaranteed permanent?...I DO need money consistenly flowing in, afterall! So I let this Director know that I can keep doing the every other Saturday thing but I will no longer accept the April 30th position, I then call the Director i'm currently working for and the coordinator at my first Agency to let them know that I will continue my ongoing work in Brooklyn...*exhales*...this story already feels too long, but I will try to speed it up, I promise! So then the next day the coordinator from my second Agency calls me up, very obviously pissed and goes on a rant over me not speaking to her before seeking out the Director at the facility, and blah blah blah...I then tell her part of what my first coordinator told me about being professional and whatnot...she then continues to insist that my first Agency has no right to hold me back from a more convenient position and that I, as an Agency worker have the right to move onto another position whenever I felt like it. Hearing this from her riled me up, but at the same time I did want to be professional and courteous to the Brooklyn facility. But nevertheless she kept reassuring me that I was doing nothing wrong and that I shouldn't let such an opportunity pass me by...so I change my mind again and decide to take the position at the other facility. I call up my first Agency to let them know of this and of course they are upset yet again. The coordinator there then informs me that if I don't complete one more week in Brooklyn, that he'll have no choice but report me to the State for "...a violation of Ethical principles." That REALLY sent me over the edge because i've been NOTHING but professional and courteous to this Agency and gave them FIVE AND A HALF months of my time eventhough I didn't have to. So I requested to speak with his Director...and I honestly have never spoken to a more nasty person on the phone before in my life. She first has the nerve to compare me to a "Yo-Yo" who can't seem to decide where to go, and then in a nutshell DEMANDS that I give the Brooklyn facility one more week or else...I was just so caught a back at how this woman was speaking to me and basically trying to control me...I broke down. I notified her of the long commutes, all the money i've had to spend, and all the hard work I have put in for her Agency...but the Bitch just WOULD NOT back down! More words are spoken (and I speak calmly throughout this conversation) and she eventually starts ranting about how the Agency no longer wants to work with me anyway and then proclaims that after I complete my stay in Brooklyn, "It's over!" Her words just struck a chord in my heart and I could feel a heavy force literally crushing me...I was going to wait until I got off the phone with her to do this but I couldn't take it anymore...I cried. Right there on the phone with her. I could tell she felt bad because after this she apologizes and tells me to make my decision and then call her or Joe (coordinator) back to inform the Agency. So then I re-group and call up my second Agency to tell them that I basically MUST give Brooklyn one more week or else my name will definitely be put on the line. The coordinator continues to try to sway me and tells me that I shouldn't "give in" to my first Agency...but at this point I am mentally drained, so I continue to insist that working one more week in Brooklyn would be the right thing to do. Long story short (this story is long enough), the coordinator at my second Agency is able to find someone to work at the facility from April 30-May 4th, allowing me to finish in Brooklyn and then start my new position on May 7th. I notify my first coordinator and Brooklyn Director of this...my first coordinator then calls me up thanking me for getting back to the Agency promptly and offering that I continue to keep in touch with them in the future...especially after I eventually pass my Boards exam. Honestly, I don't think I will ever work for that Agency again. My coordinator, Joe, is a cool guy and I understand he has to stand by the Agency he works for. But that Director of his is very nasty and disrespectful and if she thinks its okay to speak to her employees the way she spoke to me, then I want nothing to do with that type of organization. And that's that. From now on I will only work with one agency, cause lets face it, all of this mess wouldn't have happened to me if it weren't for competition! Think about it, i'm a good therapist with a good reputation that these two Rehab Directors look forward to having represent their facility...thus, both Agencies view me as an asset and one doesn't want to let me go, while the other wants me badly. So basically they were fighting a very ugly fight over me and some very ugly words were said about each Agency by the other...which is not right at all, but that is the name of the game! Because of this experience alone I really look forward to hopefully one day having a staff position, so that I wouldn't have to worry about any of this bullshit, or of any Agency trying to force me to stay with them or control me. As one can tell from my very long story, it could all get very ugly very fast.

Dani's Rants: A Rant on being 'Grown up'

Most people, after they graduate from College or High School for good, bitch and complain about how much they miss being in school and having little responsibilities. They miss the good times of hanging with their friends and being a part of cliques...but I feel just the opposite of this. As a matter of fact, I LOVE being 24, working, and getting to keep most of my earnings all to myself! Ever since I officially graduated in late July/early August of last year, life basically opened itself up to me. One of the things I hated most about school was that you almost never got a break! If you weren't in class listening to boring lectures, you were stuck at home slaving over Homework...even during Holiday and Spring Breaks, teachers and professors just have to give you these big and tedious research projects to do...in the end it is the student that ends up with no real vacation as the teachers are sunning their buns in the Bahamas...but I don't have to worry about any of that bullshit anymore. Once you're out of school, all you do is go to work, slave for a couple of hours, and then come home and relax with your piece of mind. Yes, you have a lot of very important responisibilities like Bills, Taxes, etc...but as long as you're a responsible adult, you can come by these headaches and then enjoy yourself. Since I have entered 'adulthood,' i've gone to California, saw a favorite off-Broadway show of mine for the second time, and now I have already booked a trip to Miami Beach for June and am going to go see the musical 'Evita' on cinco de mayo! As a student, I was NEVER able to do ANY of these things because I wasn't earning any money of my own and my mother could never afford to do these things for me. And it won't end there for me! In the near future I plan to continue traveling and seeing as many Broadway musicals as I can and want to, and i'm going to start attending musical concerts as well. I am living a life now that I always wanted to live...free and with something to look forward to all the time. And coming to this realization has made me very happy that I am single with no children...again, most of my earnings stay in my pockets, allowing me to go to as many concerts, musicals, and places as I want and choose to! Right now I can literally be living the life of those people that you see on the Travel channel...eating fine foods, drinking the finest wine, going to the best lounges, sleeping at the fanciest Hotels...THAT is living right there! That is what a 24/25 year old is meant to do...not sitting at home with a wife or husband nagging you to death and having a child to constantly worry about. Whoever feels like that is how soemone my age should be living...well, more power to you, but that is a very foolish and old fashioned way of thinking. But that's just me. I could live this way for the rest of my life and be perfectly fine. I'm finally satisfied with my life and I didn't have to try!

Dani's Rant:A Rant on...that Time.

WARNING: The following passage contains subject matter of a sensitive female nature. If you are a male, I recommend you read no further than this paragraph. You have been warned.





I have been noticing a couple things about myself when I get my period lately. For one, before I get my period I am always hungry! And when I say hungry I mean hungry to an EXTREME! Like constantly craving a snack or a meal hungry. And I crave for things that are horrid for my body like Chinese food, pasta, chocolate, etc. And then a couple of days before my period, I find myself barely having the strength to get out of bed and literally FORCING myself. And then when I finally do get up, I feel like I was asleep under a boulder all night...in other words, I feel like complete garbage. And when my Period finally decides to show, I literally know when it's there...without even having to go to the bathroom to discover it. I know because I almost always have some sort of cramp underneath my belly...followed by a sensation of "something" flowing out of my vagina...and then I go to the bathroom and lo and behold! And the worst part of all is when i'm on my period i'm horny as all hell. Ironically, when i'm not on my period I do not think about sexual relations at all...like, never. But as soon as I get my period, I have these sexual urges and I lust like crazy over any guy I could think of, whether it be Michael B. Jordan, my imaginary boyfriend Jason, or some other guy I may find attractive. In the meanwhile, it is the most inappropriate time for me to be longing for sex...I mean, I am bleeding out of my vagina for chrissakes! I never used to get horny during my Period whatsoever. As a matter of fact, my period used to be merely an event full of pain, throwing up, and numbness. Basically, my period has always made me sick...ever since I was a teenager at least. But my menstrual symptoms were never this extreme! I am even PMSing now...that is also something I never used to do. The other day before my period decided to arrive for this month, I was very agitated and mean-spirited for no reason! And not only that, once I got to work I could just feel that something wasn't right so I decided to take my blood pressure and it was higher than usual. I then started feeling anxious and apprehensive for no apparent reason. I really don't understand any of these symptoms and why they are appearing at this time of my life, but for now i'm going to assume that it has to do with me getting older. They sure don't make it any easier for me to cope with that time of the month.