Thursday, Nov. 11, 2010

Currently: I was productive today and am very proud of myself. I worked on my research topic paper and Case Study for fieldwork. I also went over to the Dollar Store to look at some toys to build my "big project" that my supervisor wants me to do...unfortunately, I didn't find anything to my liking, so instead I decided to buy some pads (since i'm on my monthly and all) and just leave. I'll just have to tell her that I couldn't really find anything good, so then maybe she'll decide to cancel the project altogether! *fingers crossed* I also called up my potential landlord for when I go back to PA, and luckily he seemed more sure of himself this time around and told me that he is definitely holding an apartment for me. He wants me to call him next month so that we can make some final arrangements. I am so glad that things are looking good in that area...cause i'm not going to lie, I was *nay* close to deciding to try and bribe one of my occupational therapy friends into letting me stay with them...and I really don't like having to depend on ANYBODY for ANYTHING. But the downside to today was when father dearest the dickhead came back home from work. Basically, he started getting on my case about smoking (to which he is one of the primary reasons why I do it to begin with), and ended up saying some hurtful things about me...amongst them, calling me an 'imbicile' and saying that Sean (the guy I dated my freshman year of college) "messed you up real good before he left you" (he thinks that he caused me to start smoking). Now, FIRST of all, Sean didn't even smoke, so why the fuck would he 'inspire' me to do so...and SECOND of all, who the fuck does he think I am? A follower who doesn't have a mind of my own? Someone who would just do something cause some guy told me to? I use smoking SOLELY as a coping mechanism. I have battled low self-esteem issues and some depression and body image issues all my life, and i'm the kind of person that holds everything in...so I HAVE to have some way to release some of these horrid memories and self-doubt, and unfortunately smoking and ocassionally drinking is my only way to do that. Eventually i'll drop it...but not just yet. I'm at a point in my life where I feel okay as to where i'm going, but at the same time still have the ocassional feelings of sadness and guilt...basically, I have my moments where I am just down on myself. But until then, I just wish that HE would shut the fuck up and leave me alone. He also had the nerve to say that i'm young therefore I have no problems...and I completely call BULLSHIT on that point! Anybody, of any fucking age can have 'problems'! Just because I don't have a full time job, or am not in debt up to my ass, doesn't mean that I have absolutely nothing to be sad or complain about. As previously mentioned, I HAVE been through a lot in my life in terms of low self-esteem, being bullied all throughout elementary and middle school, feeling 'ugly' and that I will never attract anybody, feeling like a complete fuck up at times, having an autistic brother, always being the 'quiet girl' that people step on...and etc, etc, etc...the list can go on and on! Who the fuck is he? He clearly does not know me, nor what I have been through so he needs to shut the fuck up. But I ignored him even when he was talking all this shit about me, cause he's the type of person that goes on and on the more you answer him or try to prove a point...HE must always have the last word. Such a dickhead. BUT ANYWAYS! I'm not going to let that dickhead ruin my night. So my game plan for the rest of the night: I'm going to plug my phone to be charged, go up in my room and write some notes/intervention plans for my students, brush my teeth, take a shower, unplug my phone, hang around a little bit...and fall asleep to some infomercials (my new thing). And that is all.