Thursday, Nov. 4, 2010

Currently: Things aren't going very well here at home...actually, not well at all. Father dearest (aka the Bane of my existence for the last 22 and a half years) has been laid up in the hospital for the past couple of days, and tonight we have found out that he has a blood clot in his heart...on top of the fact that he also has some kidney issues. Now, as we all know, I never liked the guy and never will...and actually really like this set-up of just me, my mother, and my brother...BUT the problem with not having him around is the fact that when he was still working, he was the one paying the mortgage, thus making it possible for me to have a roof over my head. He also helped out some with my brother. So as much as he was the biggest dickhead in the universe, he was also quite helpful, and now that he is practically gravely ill, things are not looking good for us financially as well as when it comes to my brother. Now he isn't even able to go to his Dayhab program anymore, since there's no one here at the house to open the door for him when he gets dropped off after program; my mother's still at work at that time, and the times that I get home vary. But since father dearest's work schedule was very flexible, he was often around to do that. Anyways, i'm also just really upset right now, cause I feel like this is MY TIME to step up and help my mother and brother, but unfortunately, I am STILL a fucking unemployed full-time graduate student. My gut instinct is telling me to just drop out of graduate school and get a paying job to start helping my mother, but another part of me is still pushing to continue pursuing my dream...I really don't know. I feel SO bad, because fuck, i'm a grown ass woman with two hands and two feet, YET I am practically unable to help the two people that mean the most to me during a crisis? What kind of a person am I? I never realized what a selfish bitch I am until now...and even as I type this, I still refuse to drop out of grad school.