Saturday, Feb. 28, 2009

Currently: Back in the homeland. Expectedly, all I did today was eat, nap and listen to music. I also took my car out of the driveway to use for the week. I was trying to see if my friend and I could hang out tommorrow, but she's working from 7 to 10, so i'm trying to think of a night during the week for us to hang out and for me to crash at her place...cause I have to!haha. Anyways, now i'm going to brush my teeth, shower and call it a night. I'm really looking forward to sleeping to some nice, soothing 90's and or salsa music. Good times.

Mood: Good.

Want of the day: To continue feeling better...and not let certain people get to me.

Friday, Feb. 27, 2009

Currently: Just got done taking my research test. Luckily, our professor was nice enough to leave out the answer key for us to look at once we were done. I got a lot of questions right, a few wrong and a few partially right, meaning I pretty much passed! Yay! I also turned in my article critique for that class...so pretty much all is good and set for that class, which makes me happy. Sitting at the library right now. I'll be here awhile (311! yea! haha.) Once i'm done screwing around here, i'm going to get something to eat and then go to work for two hours. After work, i'm going back to the apartment to do some last minute packing and then i'm going home for my one week spring break...15 hour greyhound trip, here I come!haha. I don't plan on really doing much while home. Hopefully, i'll get to hang out with my friend in the city for a day. I also plan on doing some shopping (I need new jeans, BAD!) and doing my hair and eyebrows, so that I can look nice and fresh once I get back. The following week I have Fieldwork 1 placements...it's a little nerve-racking, cause i'll be working at an all boys correctional-type school, and most of the boys i'll be working with are teenagers...yea, pretty intimidating. But i'm going to try to keep a positive mind-set about it all and just do what I have to do to get my credit...you never know, it may actually be a great experience for me. *fingers crossed* That same week will also be exciting, cause on that friday i'll be finding out who my little is!...or if I got one at all, haha. I'm looking forward to that. And, well, that's about all I have.

Mood: Alright...eventhough it's raining out.

Want of the day: To continue feeling better about myself.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2009

Currently: I had fun last night. I went out with my friends Clarice and Sanami and their boyfriends (hah, what an irony, eh?) Of course, I ignored the fact that I was the only sinle gal in tow and had a good time. We went to three different Bars and Sanami's boyfriend was nice enough to buy us all drinks for the night. That made me happy.=) But anyways, that was last night and today was today...today wasn't so bad, actually. I went to my little Counseling session this afternoon, and turns out I may have Anxiety. For my next appointment, the counselor also wants to give me a little screen for depression just in case. It was a good session though. I was just so out of it all day today cause I barely got enough sleep last night and am on day three of my monthly...meaning I was in excruciating pain for like half the day. It eventually went away though, thankfully. I was also able to finish up my article critique which is due tommorrow for my research class. So tonight all I have to worry about is studying for the Research test which is also tommorrow...I heard from a girl that took it today that it was pretty difficult. That makes me a little nervous. But we have plenty of chances this semester to improve our grades in that class, and I did pretty well on the last exam, so even if I bomb this exam, I doubt that my chances of failing the course will be great. But anyways, before I handle that business, I must go take a nap. My eyes can barely stay open right now.

Mood: Okay...but tired.

Want of the day: To continue feeling better.

Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2009

Currently: Things haven't been any better for me. I have had a horrible cough for a few days now and have been feeling pretty shitty. This afternoon, after lab, I was so knocked out and out of it, that I took a nap that lasted well into the evening...well, I temporarily get up to go check my e-mail/facebook messages, and precisely at that time is when my fat fuck of a roomate comes in, clearly seeing that I am not feeling well at all, and says in a very rude tone "Did you know that you talk in your sleep?????...and your roomate doesn't like that!!!" Shocked at her blatant inconsideration, I reply "Well, I didn't know that...and even if I did, I really have no control over it." She then replies "Well, you either have to get some duct tape or do something about it!" That rude bitch! I never complain about the apnea-type noises she makes when she's asleep...or her extremely loud snoring...because I am more of a considerate person than she is, and know that she can't help what she does in her sleep! It's common fucking sense, dumass! You think, if i'm knocked out asleep, that i'm just going to "feel" that i'm talking and wake myself up to stop it?...NO! Cause that's fucking impossible, you fucking douchebag! I really don't know what has been up with this month, but it has been hell for myself. I get more and more depressed everyday, i'm more and more hopeless everyday and now I just HAVE to have random people giving me the worst attitudes and cold shoulders for no reason...and trust me, she hasn't been the only one. It's a shame. And last month was such a great one for me, too...can't I go at least two months straight without feeling like shit? Anyways, i'm going to the Counseling Center thursday at 1, so hopefully that can help me some...I really don't know what to do anymore. Now I see why the Earth is trying to slowly destroy itself, the fucking humans in it just ruin everything...even for decent folks like myself.

Mood: Sad.

Want of the day: To feel better.

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2009

Currently: Last night was actually fun. I was so desperate to get out and cleanse my depressed system with some liquor, and no one was really responding to any of my texts or caring for that matter that I was absolutely miserable and dying to just do something...that I decided to move to my last resort, which was begging my roomate to be my companion. Haha. Thankfully, she was in a good mood, and with a little of my desperation and begging, agreed to go with me. The Bar was pretty packed last night, with it being "Bar Stool/ Bar Crawl" weekend and all...it was a lot of fun. I got so drunk that I started talking to and making friends with complete strangers and was even flirted with...by a woman!haha. That was interesting. I also got a cute guy to dance with my roomate, which was cool, decided to voluntarily dance on a table top and was sort of "reunited" with cool, all-American guy that I was gawking over a few weeks ago. Sadly, my meeting with him this time wasn't as exciting as it was last time, as he merely asked to use my lighter, thanked me, and then went on his merry way. All in all, it was still a blast. After our Bar festivities, we stopped by McDonald's, where I picked up two double cheese burgers. Sadly, I didn't even get to eat them, as I began puking my ass off as soon as we got back to the apartment. I puked maybe four times and didn't black out on the bathroom floor this time, so I consider that a success! But of course, there is a downside to this story. I wake up this morning to discover that I had gone diarrhea allover my panties while I was knocked out asleep...sexy, I know. Haha. SO embarrassing! I quickly took everything I was wearing off and washed them...and cleaned the bathroom too, of course. Beyond gross, let me tell you. But today, in general has been very up and down for me. I woke up feeling fine (minus the little poo situation), but then out of nowhere, I was sad again. It was so weird...it was just like poof! out of nowhere, back to misery...and I don't understand it. I'm starting to think that something's seriously wrong with me, and as the years go by, my once sort of mild depression gets progressively worse. It's pretty scary, to be honest. These days, to tell you the truth, i'm only happy when i'm drunk...and that's a very dangerous sign. I really don't know what to do with myself at this point to make it all better. Now, i'm not religious or anything, but whoever's reading this entry right now, just pray for me please.

Mood: Sad.

Want of the day: To feel better.

Saturday, Feb. 21, 2009

Currently: So Operation: I-go-crazy '09 still continues. I am so pissed off today, it is not even funny...and the fact that I didn't go out at all last night, really isn't helping matters any. I tried and tried to find people to go out to the Bar or atleast a little ZBT party with...but no, everyone either had previous plans or didn't feel the need to respond to any of my texts. So I went to bed really upset...and woke up fine, but then got upset again. I know this is most likely not true, but I can't help but feel that everybody else has a comfortable life but me. Everyday I go on facebook and see someonelse starting a new realtionship...and me? Nowhere, absolutely nowhere. I'm sure there are people who are starting to wonder if i'm a lesbian...wouldn't be surprised. I have tried and tried again with people, especially men, but no one seems to want to give me a chance...which is beyond fucked up, cause i'm a good person and don't deserve this shit. It's been so bad, that my demeanor even has changed from the usual. I'm at work right now, and have been answering the phone in a more aggressive and abrupt tone of voice...that is how upset I am. I NEVER do that! Even when I had been upset in the past, I was always known to be the type that answers the phone in a very polite and friendly tone...not today, people. I know that i'm letting things bother me that I shouldn't at times, but I just can't help it! Something's got to give, already! Am I seriously bound to a life like this for good? FUCK MY LIFE!

Mood: Angry.

Want of the day: To feel better.

Friday, Feb. 20, 2009-The Airing of Grievances

Currently: This week (if you hadn't guessed already) has been pretty shitty for myself. I have just been thinking all week; what is the real point for my existence? I try and I try to be myself, and treat others well and get myself out there, but still I get criticism (via one of my professors) that I need assertiveness training, and that some of my ways aren't very "professional." Seriously, what do you want from me, people? I was also speaking with my mother last night and it turns out that my aunt is raising hell back at home...for what reason? I don't know. She's one of those selfish bitches who wants everything her way or the high way, and if she doesn't get her way, watch out! She will take her shit out on the nearest, most vulnerable, most convenient people...which in this case happens to be my family. GREAT! Just what I need as the special cherry topping to this shit week. I really don't understand people. I mean, I go through my shit, I NEVER get my way, but you don't see me taking it all out on others. That is not the way I am, and yet I am surrounded by people like that. Just leave me the fuck alone! How about that? I also hate people who take support systems and relationships for granted. Today my "friend" (I don't know if she's even that to me anymore) proclaimed to me pretty much that she refuses to go out if her boyfriend's not in town...ok little miss princess, how would you feel if you DIDN'T have someone and had to settle for just going out without a date? Would you survive? Would you try to kill yourself as you attempted to before? She is so ridiculous and dependednt on men to survive, it's fucking annoying...and yet she has the fucking nerve to tell ME who has been single all my life and has had to deal with TEN TIMES the pain of being lonely, to stop worrying about such thing! The girl couldn't even survive being single for a couple of months! Dumb christian hag. ....I'm sorry, i'm really getting ahead of myself. I just need a nap...or something. As soon as i'm done with work that's exactly what i'm going to do. And hopefully later on tonight I can cleanse my system with some alcohol. Sounds like a plan.

Mood: Bleh.

Want of the day: To have some fun tonight.