Act Like a Lady...Think like a Man?

Hey Blog world...it really has been awhile, huh? Well, to any curious, inquiring mind out there; all's good for me right now. I am, of course, still exploring my place/role in this huge 'ole world. My trip to Vegas was very nice. Although I was supposed to meet up with my friend from California I ended up going alone. But of course I made the best of it. While there I went to see the male exotic dancer venue 'Thunder from Down Under' and even got to take a picture with the guys while sitting on one dancer's lap.haha I definitely showed that one off at work ; ) I also went on a sightseeing tour to the Red Rock Canyon at the outskirts of the strip. It is so beautiful and scenic out there...but oddly enough it also reminded me of those old Merrie Melodies cartoons featuring Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner.Haha, only me. I only spent a weekend over there but did a lot considering! Anyways, to segue into my Blog topic of the day...I have been reading a book by the comedian Steve Harvey called 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man,' which had also been turned into a major Motion Picture. Of course I ended up seeing that movie and what really caught my attention about it and the book itself was the whole notion of finally figuring out why men act the way they do. As an individual who has never been in a relationship but feels deserving of one, I feel that this book has potentially crucial and important information that can lead me to understanding why I've never been in a relationship and what I may be doing wrong. So i'm reading the first chapter of the book and the very first thing that Steve delineates about men is that they are very simple, obvious creatures. In a way this information really shocked me, because all my life i've viewed them as even more complicated than us women! What also caught my eye was when he says that a man who has plans for a woman in his future (as a girlfriend, wife, etc.) is not afraid to give that woman a 'title' to his friends, family, and other important individuals in his life, whether it be 'my lady,' 'my girlfriend,' whatever. This fact was actually the most upsetting and hurtful to me because in the past i've dealt with men who merely referred to me as a 'friend' or 'Danielle' and refused to see me beyond those terms. I was never anybody's 'lady,' 'girl,' or 'girlfriend.' When I was a freshman in college, as a matter of fact, there was a guy I always hung out with and did boyfriend/girlfriend type things with...eventhough we were so close, he just REFUSED to consider me his girlfriend. To me I was, how he put it, 'a friend that I like to kiss.' And its not like i'm one of those whores who go around blowing any guy with a dick... I am and have always been a classy individual who carries myself well. So all these men who don't want to give me the respectful title I deserve really offend me. But anyways, I digress. I also found it interesting when he says that men have a different way of showing their love to us, meaning instead of cuddling 24/7 a man would rather show his love by not only giving a woman a title, but also doing things like making sure she is always safe, defending her honor, fixing anything she needs fixed, paying for dinner voluntarily, etc. Now this is new information to me, as I had always thought that men were very physical and as passionate-minded as us women. Shows how much I know, huh?haha In the book, Mr. Harvey goes on to give us gals advice on what to say, what not to say, and how to carry ourselves so that hopefully one day we can earn that ring and that good man. Some advice I already knew about, others are new to me. It is a good book, nevertheless. But although I am understanding men better, I can't help but still think that they're full of shit. As much as they say only 'special' women earn their respect, i've seen many girls with absolutely ZERO self-respect be in long-lasting meaningful relationships...with men that they don't hesitate to step on. I don't know what it is about those women. Hopefully Steve will have a chapter in the book dedicated to those women and why men seem to love them so much. As much as i've realized what men may or may not like, I am never changing who I am for anybody. I mean, it is not like any of them would ever change who they are to satisfy me! That, and i've been trying for the past 24 years of my life to figure out what kind of person I am and how I can change myself so that I can have more friends/ a boyfriend...I joined a Social Sorority for chrissakes! But almost all of my approaches to self-reconstruction have gone to no avail... so that has been my wake up call to the fact that I am who I am no matter what, and yes, I can make some alterations to my shy personality and my general outlook on life, but at the end of the day i'll never be that Social butterfly that people want me to be...that's just not who I am or was meant to be. This is my true demeanor; simple, witty, a little sarcastic, silly, curious...and I don't need a man to tell me that I SHOULDN'T be these things!

Dani's Rants: A Rant on...that same damn guy

...So it looks like the unnamed man in my previous Rant is getting an additional rant...meaning our 'relationship' surpassed that one time I texted him. Actually, after my initial conversation with him, I didn't hear from him for awhile...for about a week I would say. So I just assumed that maybe he was not that interested in me or the conversation we had, so I carried on with my monotone life and looking forward to little activities i've been giving myself not to go insane (like reading books, going to Broadway shows, vacationing, etc.) And then out of nowhere I get a text from him one evening simply saying "hey." I text back my "guy," I will call him 'Nell from here on in, and we have another simple, laid back conversation. After a couple more laid back conversations, I get a text from him one evening after work stating that he's bored and would like to hang out. I am actually quite happy when I read this, cause hey i'm getting offered to go on a semi-date with a cute guy, yes!Haha Of course I also had the thought in the back of my mind that he was looking to have sex with me that evening, but apart of me also tells me to shake that feeling off and just go hang out with him. I end up cancelling that night because he asks me to show up at his house at too late a time for me (now that should have been a warning), but I end up going to his house a couple days after. As apprehensive and nervous I was about it, I ended up having a decent time. As previously mentioned, 'Nell is an up and coming battle rapper, something he's been doing since High School, so when I first went to his house the very first thing I was compelled to ask him about was his music. He let me listen to a couple of his songs and watch a couple of his battles on You Tube. It was actually a nice, laid back time, and we didn't get physical at all...the most he did was hug me when I first arrived and when I left. Before I leave he even says "we should do this again sometime," which gives me hope that I will definitely see and hang out with him again. The couple weeks that follow are just a mix of sweet text messages and pet peeves (like him taking FOREVER to reply to some of my texts and the fact that he never seems to find a time to squeeze in another hang out session with me). After awhile though, I start to notice a pattern with him; he would text me everyday of the week, but then on fridays and saturdays, when he knows i'm free to hang out, I wouldn't hear from him at all...but then Sunday evening he texts me almost always asking whether I can come hang out with him at his place at 10 o'clock...when I have work the next frickin day! I started to analyze this pattern and all pointed to him basically just trying to fuck me and using Sunday nights as his time to accomplish that goal. The thought of all of this infuriated me, and expectedly when he texted me last Sunday evening I didn't reply. He texted me again the following evening and I coldly replied. He then texts me again (he just wouldn't quit!) on the fourth of July (yesterday) and at this point my mind is telling me to give him another chance...so I cave in. He gives me a time to come over and hang out and I agree to it. Before I leave I have half a bottle of wine (to calm my nerves) and generously spray myself with a fragrance I picked up at Victoria's Secret. When I get to his house I call him to tell him i'm outside...it takes him nearly 5 minutes to come to the door (damn, does this guy do ANYTHING on time???). He finally comes to the door (with the cutest little cocker spaniel named Prince by his side) and lets me in with a smile...but no hug this time. We get into his room again and talk about what each of us have been up to lately. After awhile I decide to get comfortable and kick off my flip flops and scoot to the middle of his bed. At the same time my mind is telling me to continue to play hard to get but not be too boring. So long story short, he ends up sitting next to me on the bed ( something he didn't do last time) as we're watching a movie with Denzel Washington (forgot the name of it). After awhile he lays down sort of half way on the bed and something just tells me to initiate a cuddle. So after awhile I look over at him and say "you look like a lost little boy right now...do you want to cuddle?" As soon as I ask him this he gets this mischievous smile on his face and says "what...you want to cuddle with me?...come, come cuddle with me." As he's saying this for some reason I automatically throw myself (shit) next to him. As this is all quickly happening my mind literally feels like Angel vs. Devil. Half of it is telling me "yes! you're keeping it interesting...and showing interest in him at the same time!" while the other half is saying "no! no! no! you're making it too obvious that you want to have sex with him!" Truth of the matter is, I never intended to have sex with this guy...not right away, at least. With him basically, I was trying to work on making him a respectable friend with benefits...in other words a person I can have casual sex with without worrying about him running around calling me a Hoe or fucking me only once and disappearing (been there, done than). And part of that plan was to kind of hang out and drag out any physical contact or sex and eventually gain his respect while maintaining any physical attraction that we have towards each other. Anyway, all of this was playing in my head as I was laying across him, my arm draped over his abdomen and around his waist. My head was right on top of his chest and I could hear his heart beating quite rapidly...he wanted some. Period. As i'm realizing this he puts a hand on my ass. I promptly move it to my waist and tell him "no, you are not allowed." He chuckles at this. Afterwards we just lie there...together...very quiet...and very tense. Again I could hear and feel his heart beating rapidly against his chest; surely he is more excited than he's making it seem, and at the same time my own body begins to tense up and my heart rate increases. It has been years since I have felt the embrace of a man and it felt...so good. In that silent moment of him just holding me and occasionally stroking my hair, as we both breathe short, intense breaths, my body felt a way it hasn't felt in a very long time...and I literally had to gather every bit of strength inside of me to not fuck him right then and there. After awhile a friend of his he was planning to meet later on calls and he talks to him while occasionally stroking my hair and sounding...so sexy. He finally hangs up and almost right away (as if on cue) tries to put his hand on my breasts...I once again re-direct his hand to which he retorts "c'mon, why you gotta be like that?" I once again reiterate "i'm not ready to let you touch me like that." He attempts a couple more times...and I re-direct a couple more times. After awhile he stops for good...and the hair stroking stops as well. I then get up and say "I guess I should be leaving so you can meet up with your friends."...he looks at me and shakes his head in agreement. This whole time he maintains a calm, good-natured disposition, but on the inside I just know that he's reeling. Before walking me out of his room he unlocks the door (that motherfucker REALLY thought he was getting some!). After wards he leads me to the front door, says "have a safe trip home!" and sends me on my merry way...no hug, and no "we should do this again sometime." A big chunk of my mind is telling me from all that alone that this is it; I am never hearing from this guy again. I do not regret what I did, but am very disappointed that even finding a friend with benefits is proving to be a difficult task for myself. Oh well, I say to that. Life goes on. Good night. *gets up to do random tasks and then go to bed*

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Currently: So I failed my second attempt at the NBCOT Boards...I was utterly shocked seeing the word "failed" next to the 2/14/12 date...but what could you do? The best thing for me is to shrug it off (as hard as that is) and move on. Like I said, i'm already making good money as an OTA so it's not a complete loss. I just can't help but wonder why this test is proving to be so difficult for myself and many others to pass! And then you have those who pass on their first try with HIGH marks, and even worse, you have those who swear to high heaven that they failed, and then guess what? They fucking passed! That's actually what happened to one of my classmates, lucky bitch. Anyways, i'm moving on from this. Right now my primary concern is vacation, which I plan to take in a few months. I'm going to need this vacation so bad, especially since as of late i've been pulling late over-time hours at work and have thus been coming Home a lot later than usual...and mind you, I get up at 5am every morning. So I am most definitely earning myself a good vacation.

Dani's Rants part 1: Why I hate Black AND White people

Since the discovery of the new World, there has been this ongoing tension between different cultures; the Native Americans vs. the Whites, Blacks vs. Hispanics, Hispanics vs. Whites, Asians vs. Whites, and so on. But no cultural tension has been as deeply rooted and conflicting as the Whites vs. the Blacks. Let's face it, these two hate each other...for the most part, at least. And though most may choose one over the other because "generally, the Blacks are more fun and boisterous," or..."the Whites are more self-conscientious and well-mannered," at the end of the day there is no real difference besides the stereotypes which separate the two. And I personally could do without both. I know, I know, it's dumb to dislike an entire group of people. But when I say I dislike white and black people, I mean that I find A LOT of black and white people to be distasteful, but not EVERY SINGLE black or white person. As a matter of fact, i've had a lot of friends that were white AND that were black. This rant is not meant to be a racial tirade, but moreso my own personal opinions of why, at the end of the day, both races have good and bad attributes which thus would not cancel out either as being better or worse than the other. So here's my stance on this:

On one side, you have White people. In my opinion white people are the whiniest group I have ever seen. For the most part (and remember: I am not referring to EVERY white person), a lot live comfortable, fullfiling lives. They can live wherever they want, get whatever job they want, and generally are the ones who have long-lasting, stable relationships and seem to lead a very predictable way of life. And everything seems to center around this race. From what we see on tv, to what is sold in stores. Don't believe me? Most tv shows and movies feature predominantly white characters and culturally WASP-y (or white, anglo-saxon, protestant) storylines. And in stores a lot of times clothes are cut especially narrow to flatter white male and female body types...coincidence? I think not. Everything in life seems to fall right on their lap. But yet white people have the highest incidences of suicide, depression, and general psychosis. Now why is that so? Because your girl/boyfriend left you after five years of dating? Or is it because you landed a job in which you are getting paid five thousand less than if you took another job? That is exactly what I mean. And then on the other hand, you have the Whites that are TOO cocky. Like the ones always bragging about how absolutely perfect their lives are just to turn their noses up at others for not being up to their standards. The same ones who can't even open the door for a minority without scratching their throats, or pretend to associate themselves with a minority just to prove that they're not racist. Oh, and lets not forget the preppy little Valley Girl or Valley Guy bitch who thinks that no matter how imperfect or in the wrong he/she is, he/she will ALWAYS be better than a Black person...I know this type from experience. So in general (remember: NOT everybody!), I think that white people should check their egos at the door and stop bitching so much about life. Life is short and you all have a good one; ENJOY it!


And on the other side you have Black people. The same people that bitch and moan about how badly the Whites treat them and how they are so sick and tired of them treating their people like Dogs...are the same ones who will kiss whitey's booty in a minute. Black men are especially guilty of this. They will get upset at the wrongful execution of another Black man (i.e. Troy Davis) and call Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain a 'false Negro' for joining a predominantly White political party (i.e. Harry Belafonte), but yet these same men will also date any woman BUT a Black woman and will idolize the light, 'exotic' looks of mixed race and/or white women. The double standards that these Black men have also frickin kill me. When I was a Freshman in college, a lot of the Black football players were into the thin white girls and I was no more than a fly on the wall to them...but as soon as they saw me around campus with a white guy ALL hell broke loose. They would ask my roomates "what's wrong with her? Does she not know what's good for her?"...and make other rude remarks behind my back and to my face. So it's okay for a Black man to date any type of woman he wants (which they ALWAYS do anyway!...I don't think a lot of black men even date black women anymore), but yet it's a crime for a black woman to do the same? That is just complete BS to me and I refuse to agree with it. And then you have black women who are-let's face it- complete BITCHES! There are some I have come across with attitudes so bad that I grew to fear them. And I notice, those types of women give the worst attitudes to other black people and tend to be slightly more gentle towards "other" women, but white women especially. And yet they demand respect. Sorry hun, but with that attitude you'll always be the white girl's "supportive friend," or today's equivalent of the "maid." So my advice to Black people: cut the double standard shit, stop kissing ass and then blaming your problems on the white man, and discontinue that nasty attitude problem that so many of you (but not all of you) seem to have.

That is all I ask of the Blacks and the Whites. Oh, and one more thing: we're all going to the same place at the end of it all, so all of this racial supremacy crap is just a big waste of time.

Wednesday, Sept. 21, 2011

Currently: SO I went to go take my Boards exam yesterday and was NOT admitted to the site because I didn't have another form of identification with my signature on it...and no I am NOT making this shit up, unfortunately. I know that I was complaining before about not feeling prepared enough for the exam, but since that time I had been studying a lot and my confidence had increased...needless to say, yesterday morning I felt more than ready to take the exam and get it over with. So what's next now? Today I have to go to the Bank and apply for a Savings debit card that could serve as my second form of id with a signature, and Friday I have to apply for yet another Authorization letter. Again, it will take a week for me to receive the new letter, and then I can schedule another test. I couldn't believe it myself when the guy at the front desk said those words to me; "You are not allowed to test." According to him, it is an NBCOT (crooks) rule and not the Prometric site's rules. This is just beyond ridiculous to me. I have a fucking MASTER'S degree and yet I'm lucky if i'll have an actual paying job by my birthday...or by Christmas, even. In the meanwhile, I have to start paying off my loans in fucking November! How the fuck do these people expect me to pay for ANYTHING when I need the fucking exam to get a job in this State...and i'm having a hard time merely being ADMITTED to the fucking exam? And I love how yesterday when I spoke to a rep from NBCOT, the fucking bitch had the nerves to tell me (when I asked her how the hell they expect an unemployed person straight out of Grad School to pay an additional 175 dollars to "reactivate" an ATT letter) that I have to "find a way" to pay them...WHAT FUCKING WAY, LADY? Shit like this is why I never feel bad when the fucking terrorists crash planes through this country's most esteemed buildings, and murder the hell out of American soldiers. Fucking people expect the impossible from others. But this all makes me wonder; Is there something trying to hold me back from become an occupational therapist? I mean, one of my professors repeatedly gave me a hard time while I was a student, then I had a difficult first fieldwork and ended up having to repeat it, now THIS SHIT??? What the fuck is next? In the meanwhile, most of my classmates completed the program and took the Boards and passed it very smoothly...shit, half of them are already working. This is all disappointing to me...i'm a HARD working person, and this shouldn't be happening to me. But then again, when was life EVER fair to me? I think the only positive about this situation, is now I have more time to study...so I better pass this test.